What. A. Year. It began with a man I loved and a three month trip to Italy.
It ended with me finding out the man I loved is a lying cheater with no soul. Oh, and dead eyes. (I just realized this as I was writing this post.) A man who came with me on that trip to Italy just so he could “hook up” with the wife of a couple we met on our first trip to Italy. After a year and a half of sexting, and texting, and secret emails, and private Skype calls, I finally found out what was going on and he’s no longer part of my life.
(I’ll wait while you scrape off that mental layer of eww.)
So, 2015. Come a little closer so I can kick your sorry ass out the door. *wipes that shit off her boots*
Imagine how much I’m looking forward to 2016. Because it’s going to be a year that’s all about me, what I want, what I need.
What do I want and what do I need? I want and need to learn how to say no.
Did you know it’s okay to say no? I didn’t. Hello from me, the people pleaser. I’m the person who used to say yes, when I wanted to say no. I’m the person who put everyone else’s needs before my own. Because, at the time, it felt like the right thing to do. I’m the one who wanted everyone to get along, no conflict, no drama.
I turned into a total doormat and didn’t realize it.
So, 2016 is my year for saying “hella no!” and it starts now.
No. To putting other’s needs before my own. If it’s not something I want to do, it’s going to be “thanks, but no.” Will that be easy? No. So I’m tattooing “I matter” on my forearm, where I can see it if I start to fall back into old patterns.
No. To passive-aggressive relationships with narcissistic pathological liars. My Spidey sense is tuned into that station.
No. To Doritos. Of any kind. They give me gas and that’s just not acceptable.
No. To that second serving of anything. Because along with losing the wasband, I lost 25 lbs. and I don’t want him or that poundage back. Ever.
No. To not writing what I want, how I want, because I might offend someone who reads what I write. People I don’t know and have never met, mind you. That is totally fucked up thinking. So, yes, I will be using the f-word frequently. Because, fuck it.
No. To accepting anything less than I deserve. I’m the lead character in my life and I mean to take center stage. So I put up a giant gold star on my bedroom door, with the word “STAR” written in swirly purple glitter. It’s ugly as fuck because I’m not that good with a glue gun. Yet.
No. To spending time with anyone who just can’t be bothered. About anything. Boring is so yesterday. Why waste your spark on someone who doesn’t appreciate your fire?
No. To living my life based on how you live your life. I am so tired of judgement. If you want to wear pjs all day and eat jelly beans, especially the green ones because you think they count as “greens,” if I want to hang with you, I’ll pull on my onesie and bring over a bag of Fruit RollUps, because fruit. I don’t judge so thank you for not judging me.
No. To snow and cold. I’m a summer girl so how I ended up living in the northeast is mind numbing. I hate winter. I hate cold. I hated living with a man who said, “just put on another sweater” when he should have come over and wrapped his arms around me to keep me warm.
No. To disrespect. On any level. On any subject.
No. To bullshit. If I see bullshit, I’m calling bullshit. If I hear bullshit, I’m calling bullshit. If I smell bullshit…well. Maybe you can clean up that shit yourself.
No. To that same old love. I’m so sick of that same old love. Feels like I’ve blown apart. I’m so sick of that same old love. The kind that breaks your heart. I’m so sick of that same old love. My body’s had enough. (Wow. Fab lyrics. Someone should use them in a song. Does Gwen Stefani read my blog?)
No. To life without humor. To life without laughter. To life without people who like me, and get me, and still like me after they get me.
Because while I will no longer be a doormat, I’m still going to treat you with respect, honor your worth, pay attention to what you say, listen with both ears and eyes open, tell you the truth, and call you on your bullshit. And ask that you call me on mine.
Goodbye 2015. You won’t be missed.
Hi there 2016. Grab a glass and come say hello.
How was your 2015? Blast or bust?