Interview with a vampire: it’s a whole big sucking thing this Halloween

The Assignment: Interview with a Halloween celebrity (originally published on Long Awkward Pause and reposted here because I can)
The Subject: The Master, from the hit television series — Buffy, The Vampire Slayer
The Interviewer: Me (blood type: AB-negative — Just. In. Case.)

What Your Tag Line May Be Saying About You

May I ask you a very personal question?

Do you have a tag line for your blog? It’s usually under the title and offers a brief glimpse into the mind of the blogger. I know I’m being forward but I really want to know. I’ve been reading that, if not properly researched and street-tested, your tag line could be dragging you down.

I don’t want to be a droopy sock so I took to the Internet recently to conduct a wildly unscientific and heavily-biased poll.

I want to see more REAL men. Preferably NAKED REAL men.

Ever stood in a drug store and counted the number of magazines for women on the shelves? I have and had to use my fingers AND the fingers of the woman standing next to me.

It made me want to hurl, people. Right into my Prada Payless purse.

Where were the magazines for REAL men?

Many were fashion magazines featuring bone-thin girls younger than some of my shoes. Wearing something that I’d mop the floor with, along with expressions of what I considered haughty disdain.

But maybe they were just hungry?

Female health magazines were plentiful. But really, editors should take the time to learn how to text each other. Depending on which magazine you decide to buy, you could end up:

1. Drinking too much water.

2. Drinking not enough water.

3. Drinking the wrong kind of water.

4. Only drinking water from icecaps around Iceland.

5. Only drinking water from icecaps around Iceland flavored with bull testicles. (TRUE STORY.)

By the time you finish taste testing, you could have drowned.

In a blog rut? Publisher reveals epic tips!

Guide to Better Blogging: An Overview

Welcome to your first blogging experience! Join the millions of others who have found a worthwhile outlet for their creativity and genius. To turn the page, put your right index finger on the top right-hand corner and gently pull it towards you. It should turn to the next page automatically. DO NOT WET YOUR FINGER TO DO THIS OPERATION!

Before we begin, take a few moments to think about why you want to blog. DO NOT WRITE DOWN FUN. Blogging is not supposed to be fun. And, frankly, we’re a little tired that we have to keep reminding people that blogging is AN AUTHENTIC OUTLET FOR CREATIVITY, INSPIRATION, FOOD RECIPES, CRAFTS AND GOOEY SENTIMENT. Humor can work as long as it’s not satirical, ironic, or sarcastic. You need to keep things simple. Do not fail at this first task. If you disregard this critical rule, you’ll never succeed as a blogger. AdSense and the other pay-per-click advertisers aren’t interested in FUN blogs. They want you to write about things other bloggers will want to PURCHASE.