TEN Reasons Numbered Posts Are So Yesterday

Who doesn’t love making a list then ticking it off, or as I like to do, getting out a ruler and drawing a nice, neat line right through the middle. Twice.

When did numbered lists become the Kanye of blog posts?

Numbered lists seem to be the itemized notes de jour of online media.

Everywhere you go, someone’s put together a “Reasons Why” or “How To” or “Must Have” list that features numbers. It’s like they’re saying you’re a bad person if reading 106 ways to flambé a chicken is NOT the most important thing you’ll do all day. Too much choice, like too much of anything, is harmful to your (mental) health.

I’m confused enough deciding what side to part my hair in the mornings.

I Don’t Like This. Can We Stop Now?

I’ve lived my entire life in a part of the world where there is serious winter weather.

And somehow over the years, I’ve managed to convince myself that the six months of lovely, warm, for a few days smoking hot, with an acceptable number of sunny days, weather that arrives in May and lasts through to October (sometimes November) is worth the misery of the other five to six months when it’s cold and windy and snow arrives weekly.

The Search For My Words

I’ve been a blog-lite blogger lately. Oh, yeah. And by “lite” I mean about 1000 miles away from being motivated to move fingers over my keyboard.

Having your marriage shit-canned by a bad guy douchebag can have that affect on a person. But, hey! On the plus side, he’s now someone else’s problem.

But it’s been hard, sitting at my laptop to have this happen:

[blank…blank…blank…repeat]

Why I No Longer Buy Designer Jeans

I no longer buy designer jeans.

[pause for shocked reaction and/or muffled snort of laughter]

It was an extremely difficult decision to make.

However, after much internal debate, bending and twisting into all three of the yoga poses I know, running up and down the numbers in my bank account, two full pitchers of martinis (with matching olives) and flipping through my 1,297 back issues of Vogue, I came to the conclusion that I can no longer pull off this look all day, every day:

Interview with a vampire: it’s a whole big sucking thing this Halloween

The Assignment: Interview with a Halloween celebrity (originally published on Long Awkward Pause and reposted here because I can)
The Subject: The Master, from the hit television series — Buffy, The Vampire Slayer
The Interviewer: Me (blood type: AB-negative — Just. In. Case.)

Steve Martin Once Told A Joke

Steve Martin once stood upon the stage and declared that “Comedy is not pretty.” He said this after the audience started to suck their teeth and the chorus of a sea of boos was erupting in a pitched rise throughout the auditorium. He was telling a relationship joke. The setup to the joke was that he doesn’t understand women.

Hell, who does?

Not even women understand women.

Anyway, (in the joke) it just so happened that the woman in his life was telling him (Steve) that she felt like he didn’t respect her.

This is where Steve distorts his face in shock.  He then leans into the microphone and proclaims,

“What do you mean? You’re the best hog I ever had!”

Like I said in that opening paragraph, the audience turns ugly.

This Day Is Not That Day

Do you ever wake up and think “this could be the best day ever” and then it’s not and you sink into depression and despair, with a little black cloud raining down on you, and your coffee maker goes on the fritz, the toast is burnt, your socks don’t match, you conditioned then shampooed, there’s no good news on the news because Mr. Trump is still running for POTUS, and then someone reminds you that it’s autumn and white skinny jeans are no longer acceptable out-in-public attire and they decide to judge you?

This day is not that day.

Tourists say the darndest things!

Blogdramedy here reporting “live” from the sunny east coast of Sicily. When did backpacks become the go-to travel accessory of over 65-year olds? Why do the packs never match what they are wearing? Do they know they’re all hunched over like Quasimodo?

It makes my brain hurt.

Against all odds, NWR (The Nudge Wink Report) management approved my travel request but, so far, are refusing to cover the cost of all this in-depth investigative snooping. I’m starting to think they just wanted me out of the office.

But forget that. Let’s run through the checklist:

Hung over? No.
Getting enough sleep? Yes.
Too much coffee? Never.
Freaking out about eruptions from Mount Etna? Ever so slightly.
Embarrassed by fellow tourists? Of course.

Cheese Whiz, People! It’s National Cheese Lovers Day!

It’s the one day of the year when fondue is kinda cool.

If you don’t mind Mickey Mouse getting it on with a block of cheese, you’ll enjoy this animation. If you do mind, why are you reading this blog? You should know better by now.

2015: The Year I Embrace THE LIST

Hey, if it ain’t broke…

It’s that time again. The annual new year’s listing of resolutions.

I’ve never warmed to this yearly ritual.

Taking the time to make a list of things I want to change about myself when I absolutely know I’ll lose the damn list right about the time I get to “lose 10 pounds, again.” seems like a waste of a perfectly good piece of paper.

I’m all about saving the trees, y’all.