Interview with a vampire: it’s a whole big sucking thing this Halloween

The Assignment: Interview with a Halloween celebrity (originally published on Long Awkward Pause and reposted here because I can)
The Subject: The Master, from the hit television series — Buffy, The Vampire Slayer
The Interviewer: Me (blood type: AB-negative — Just. In. Case.)

DEAR NETFLIX: PLEASE STOP TELLING ME I LIKE BOLLYWOOD MOVIES

The saying, “you get what you pay for” isn’t always true. I once won the low bid at a bachelor’s auction and can say with some measure of certainty — don’t judge a book by its cover, and good things come in small packages. IfyouknowwhatImean.

After being a Netflix subscriber for a while now, I’ve reached the conclusion I’d rather stand in line at the movie theater — freezing my ass off — casting the evil eye on nasty little line cutters and trying not to weep when the cashier tells me the price for two tickets. All that would be worth it because lately, Neflix has been letting me down.

Steve Martin Once Told A Joke

Steve Martin once stood upon the stage and declared that “Comedy is not pretty.” He said this after the audience started to suck their teeth and the chorus of a sea of boos was erupting in a pitched rise throughout the auditorium. He was telling a relationship joke. The setup to the joke was that he doesn’t understand women.

Hell, who does?

Not even women understand women.

Anyway, (in the joke) it just so happened that the woman in his life was telling him (Steve) that she felt like he didn’t respect her.

This is where Steve distorts his face in shock.  He then leans into the microphone and proclaims,

“What do you mean? You’re the best hog I ever had!”

Like I said in that opening paragraph, the audience turns ugly.

Tourists say the darndest things!

Blogdramedy here reporting “live” from the sunny east coast of Sicily. When did backpacks become the go-to travel accessory of over 65-year olds? Why do the packs never match what they are wearing? Do they know they’re all hunched over like Quasimodo?

It makes my brain hurt.

Against all odds, NWR (The Nudge Wink Report) management approved my travel request but, so far, are refusing to cover the cost of all this in-depth investigative snooping. I’m starting to think they just wanted me out of the office.

But forget that. Let’s run through the checklist:

Hung over? No.
Getting enough sleep? Yes.
Too much coffee? Never.
Freaking out about eruptions from Mount Etna? Ever so slightly.
Embarrassed by fellow tourists? Of course.

We can’t have enough freshly oiled butt cheeks

There are not many photographs of me in existence. Whenever anyone asks if they can take a picture of me, I negotiate. They can take a picture of my feet or they can let me take a picture of them in their underwear.

Once they see my skills with a zoom lens, they back off.

I’ve been a photographer since the days of the Polaroid and with all that snapping, I’ve learned a thing or two about taking a good portrait. Here are some of the notes I’ve made about taking self-portraits:

Wait until the Botox has softened. We know you want to look good but you don’t want to appear dead. So wait until your face has absorbed a bit of that Botox before putting on your pouty face.

Celebrity Interview: A Conversation With Martin Freeman

I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Maybe it was just one time, possibly twice, but I can’t unring that bell and will accept the compliment in the spirit it was given. As long as it wasn’t some veiled reference to large ears.

So, I’m taking that talent and mixing in a little helping of sly digs and satire to bring you a new recurring feature. It’s called “Under the Mic — Secretly-taped Celebrity Interviews.” Most celebrity interviews are pre-approved, publicist-friendly conversations, which are totally boring and available on iTunes for 99 cents.

This is not that.

With Under the Mic, the microphone is strategically hidden upon my person and is NSA approved.

Welcome to blog radio, in words.