Blogdramedy Doesn’t Look Like This Anymore

Everywhere I go, look, read, I see this headline:

[Fill in the blank with the name of a celebrity] Doesn’t Look Like This Anymore

And usually when you click on the link, they look exactly the same except they’ve changed from lip stick to lip gloss, or decided to wear boxers instead of briefs. Or they’re promoting a movie and are in costume. So I thought I’d try the same teaser headline to tell you that I don’t look like my avi anymore.

We can’t have enough freshly oiled butt cheeks

There are not many photographs of me in existence. Whenever anyone asks if they can take a picture of me, I negotiate. They can take a picture of my feet or they can let me take a picture of them in their underwear.

Once they see my skills with a zoom lens, they back off.

I’ve been a photographer since the days of the Polaroid and with all that snapping, I’ve learned a thing or two about taking a good portrait. Here are some of the notes I’ve made about taking self-portraits:

Wait until the Botox has softened. We know you want to look good but you don’t want to appear dead. So wait until your face has absorbed a bit of that Botox before putting on your pouty face.

Celebrity Interview: A Conversation With Martin Freeman

I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Maybe it was just one time, possibly twice, but I can’t unring that bell and will accept the compliment in the spirit it was given. As long as it wasn’t some veiled reference to large ears.

So, I’m taking that talent and mixing in a little helping of sly digs and satire to bring you a new recurring feature. It’s called “Under the Mic — Secretly-taped Celebrity Interviews.” Most celebrity interviews are pre-approved, publicist-friendly conversations, which are totally boring and available on iTunes for 99 cents.

This is not that.

With Under the Mic, the microphone is strategically hidden upon my person and is NSA approved.

Welcome to blog radio, in words.