Blogging, Humor

DEAR NETFLIX: PLEASE STOP TELLING ME I LIKE BOLLYWOOD MOVIES

The saying, “you get what you pay for” isn’t always true. I once won the low bid at a bachelor’s auction and can say with some measure of certainty — don’t judge a book by its cover, and good things come in small packages. IfyouknowwhatImean.

After being a Netflix subscriber for a while now, I’ve reached the conclusion I’d rather stand in line at the movie theater — freezing my ass off — casting the evil eye on nasty little line cutters and trying not to weep when the cashier tells me the price for two tickets. All that would be worth it because lately, Neflix has been letting me down.

Correction.

Netflix never got me up in the first place. Well, maybe there was a bit of excitement at the beginning, like in any new relationship. A few intimate nights with the remote. Now I snort up freshly-ground espresso beans just to get up the energy to sign in. Is it me or is there a shitload of crap steaming streaming out there?

Maybe I’m on the wrong Netflix. Maybe I’m on the beta version of Netflix and my computer fucked up and blocked the update.

Maybe the good Netflix costs more?

indianfemailjohntravolta
Could this be how John Travolta learned his moves?

All I know is my Netflix carries way too many movies featuring actors speaking really fast in Hindi, with plots that seem to rely heavily on belly dancing.

I enjoy foreign films, especially those with an engrossing story line and a cast of hot actors. I don’t discriminate based on skin color…only on the basis of hot-ness. I can dig me some Bollywood but color me picky, I like a little variety.

Netflix throws a hissy fit trying to get me to rate the movies I’ve watched. I’d like to know who rates Netflix. Never one to pass up an opportunity to offer suggestions, especially when I haven’t been asked, here’s my take on what they’re doing wrong:

a) Stop asking me to rate movies you know I haven’t seen yet. I have “My List” and it’s full of movies I’m planning to watch. Maybe that’s your way of reminding me to watch my list but it’s burning my ass so back off.

Two) Do you see any part of me that’s interested in wrestling? Have I EVER watched a movie where two men get sweaty while rolling around on a mat? Except that time I accidentally clicked on some gay porn and forgot to go back to browse. Twice.

iii) Don’t ask me to rate movies I’ve already watched if you’re not going to pay attention. Every time I finish watching a movie or television show, you ask me to rate it. Supposedly so you can offer recommendations. Great idea so imagine the frustration when you get it totally wrong. Again. Now, I could stop rating movies altogether but I’m kind of scared about what you’d recommend for me if I did. More anime perhaps?

4) And just what IS your fascination with anime anyway? Actually, let’s not even go there as I can already smell a teenager’s room rank with sweaty socks and other odors I could put a name to but won’t.

5ive) When you buy a movie that’s part of a franchise, you do know there’s a FIRST movie in the series, right? Getting us all freaked out about Mike Myers doesn’t really work if you only order Parts Two thru Six and forget to buy “Halloween,” the original movie that started it all. Don’t be such cheap bastards.

At $7.99 a month, maybe it’s not fair that I’m giving Netflix such a hard time. They do pay the studios top dollar for the rights to stream popular television shows and that’s leading to all kinds of bitching and moaning by network television. But with a reported paid viewership of 30 million, someone’s getting the shaft and I’m not talking about —

Who’s the black private dick
That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?
SHAFT!
Ya damn right!


(Originally published on Long Awkward Pause. I’m reposting it here because I can. It’s my blog. It’s Friday. And you are fabulous.)

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11 thoughts on “DEAR NETFLIX: PLEASE STOP TELLING ME I LIKE BOLLYWOOD MOVIES”

  1. I’d probably agree with you if I could stay awake long enough to watch a full length movie. For now, My $7.99/month is buying Grey’s Anatomy and British mysteries that last 40minutes tops commercial free. And cartoons for rambunctious grandsons. Don’t get me going on Amazon Prime though!!!! Their teasing ability is beyond cruel.

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    1. I have yet to watch Grey’s Anatomy. I’m saving that for the dark days of winter. Right now I’m heavily into Scandal and am loving every second. Why are the only sexy politicians the ones on television? *grin*

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  2. Hey, long-time Netflix addict here… (No, I don’t need an intervention and hey, give me back my remote.) I’d argue with your assessment, but I’ll admit, it hasn’t seemed to pick up on my British Mystery fetish no matter how many hours of Inspector Morse or Hercule Poirot I watch.

    By the way, when this came to my email, the link to return to your site wouldn’t work. I had to actually break down and search the word Bollywood to find this. Hopefully I won’t now be bombarded by offers of “Bollywood Lingerie” or some such nonsense. The computer is always watching.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Here, I give you back your remote, all fingerprints removed. *grin* I find Netflix is hit or miss. If I go too many days without watching, it seems to forget what I like. Kind of like a guy I used to know. Freaky about the link and I hope this is a one-off. Again, kind of like a guy I used to know.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This post shows you’re a bad muthu f— SHUT your mouth!

    I don’t have NetFlix so I can’t comment. I have DirectTV and for my $69.99 per month I get approx 100 channels trying to sell me tanzanite jewelry and bedazzled track suits. Your deal sounds better since you can learn to belly dance. Do you happen to have the NetFlix subscription number?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha so true! Netflix recommendations for me are baffling. Same with Spotify in fact, when they started doing suggested playlists my music cred was quite insulted 😉

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