We can’t have enough freshly oiled butt cheeks

There are not many photographs of me in existence. Whenever anyone asks if they can take a picture of me, I negotiate. They can take a picture of my feet or they can let me take a picture of them in their underwear.

Once they see my skills with a zoom lens, they back off.

I’ve been a photographer since the days of the Polaroid and with all that snapping, I’ve learned a thing or two about taking a good portrait. Here are some of the notes I’ve made about taking self-portraits:

Wait until the Botox has softened. We know you want to look good but you don’t want to appear dead. So wait until your face has absorbed a bit of that Botox before putting on your pouty face.

Practice “the look.” Position the camera at chest level and point up. This elongates the face and makes you resemble someone who doesn’t know how to enjoy a good meal. Stay up all night so your eyeliner gets all smudgy then suck on a lemon just before you click.

Feature at least one body part. Bend over and hold the camera between your legs. Check for toilet paper. Don’t cough, and hold your breath. Hope you get the shot before you lose consciousness and end up taking a picture of your ‘whoo-ha’ by mistake. If your boobs are bigger than your butt, consider a full frontal. But remember, if your boobs aren’t the inflatable kind, don’t take a selfie on your back. The shot will fall flat.

Take 99 per cent of your selfies in the bathroom. The glare in the shot from the bathroom mirror distracts the viewer from the cellulite that you thought was gone but never really is. Root through your jewelry box and hang as many gold necklaces around your neck as possible. Accidentally on purpose forget to tie a knot in your bikini top so you get that all-important side boob.

Focus, focus, focus. This can’t be stressed enough. The biggest secret to selfie success is making sure your eyes are focused correctly. Once you think you’ve got your face “on” make sure your eyes are fixed on the shutter button and not directly at the camera lens. If we can look into your eyes in the shot, you’ll come off as a professional. It also helps if you can manage to look perplexed.

A thong is optional. When in doubt, remember…Fredericks of Hollywood exists for a reason.

More is more. A selfie is the perfect art form for the insecure, or those desperate for attention. It’s your responsibility to look after your own mental health. I suggest you take at least eight selfies a day and post them on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Repeat. Learn how to retweet your own tweets. That’s not ego. Because if you don’t do it, who will?

You can never use too much tongue.  For when you’ve reached your quota of the full makeup to achieve the ‘natural’ look shots for the day.

The best shots happen when you’re drunk. Until you check the shot the next day on Instagram and the only one laughing is the bartender who served you drinks the night before. The only way around that is to open up a bottle of bubbly and do last night all over again. It’s a vicious circle but if you don’t do it, we’ll all have to sign up for The Rich Kids of Instagram to get our fix of redick.

Always selfie responsibly. Not everyone has the luxury of living off daddy’s trust fund. Lots of people have talent but not the luck of making it to the top and snorting up their net worth in nose candy. It’s up to you to show the rest of the world the benefits of unlimited cash and being on a first name basis with some of the world’s most expensive plastic surgeons. Remember: you are helping build the economy by paying for the services of personal trainers, clothing stylists, beauty consultants, cutting-edge hair designers, and hundreds of Korean nail salon workers. It’s your responsibility to show the rest of us what we’re missing by not being you.

It’s not always about you. I know you want the world to stop spinning when you post a selfie of your freshly oiled butt cheeks or the car you bought that could put an entire family through university. But life isn’t like that. We regular, average, work for a living people sometimes care about more. Like poverty, poor education, substandard healthcare. A job that pays more than the minimum wage. You understand all that. Right? Hello? Are you still there?