Ever stood in a drug store and counted the number of magazines for women on the shelves? I have and had to use my fingers AND the fingers of the woman standing next to me.
It made me want to hurl, people. Right into my
Prada Payless purse.
Where were the magazines for REAL men?
Many were fashion magazines featuring bone-thin girls younger than some of my shoes. Wearing something that I’d mop the floor with, along with expressions of what I considered haughty disdain.
But maybe they were just hungry?
Female health magazines were plentiful. But really, editors should take the time to learn how to text each other. Depending on which magazine you decide to buy, you could end up:
1. Drinking too much water.
2. Drinking not enough water.
3. Drinking the wrong kind of water.
4. Only drinking water from icecaps around Iceland.
5. Only drinking water from icecaps around Iceland flavored with bull testicles. (TRUE STORY.)
By the time you finish taste testing, you could have drowned.
Where are the magazines for REAL men?
There were magazines with sexy women on the cover.
Usually wearing a loosely-knotted tie and a pout.
There were magazines showcasing really pretty guys who looked like girls.
All included interviews with celebrities who never have to do their own laundry now they’re famous, suggestions on how to care for $2,000 Italian-made shoes, and articles about how to store port properly. But I couldn’t find one magazine for the regular man. The average Joe.
The guy most of us live with.
So I’m thinking of going into production on a 12-issue run of “Manly Man: the magazine your wife would like you to read”
Here are some preliminary article ideas:
Boxers or Briefs: it doesn’t matter as long as they’re clean
Save Your Relationship–If She Makes It, You Wear It
12 Other Ways To Cook Steak (hint: you don’t always need a BBQ)
What To Do When Your Chest Hair Smothers Your Girlfriend While She Sleeps
Socks Are Like Couples, They Long To Be Together
Oral Sex: how to give it, how to get it
How To Open The Fridge And Find What You’re Looking For In Two Moves Or Less
Never Underestimate The Power Of A Good Blue Suit–It’s Like CatNip For Women
Seven Ways To Hang Wet Towels In Seven Seconds
What Not To Eat: things found in a man’s beard
Smell Like A Man (not your Grandmother)
You and Your Toenails: a pointed discussion
Why Your Wife Is Right About Those Pleated Khakis
Can You Ever Have Too Much Nose Hair?
Get A Six-Pack Without Drinking One
Find Jeans That Fit You, Not The You You Used To Be
Real Men Cry (and not just when their favorite sports team trades their MVP)
Are You Doing Everything You Can To Make Your Partner Happy? A Pop Quiz (the correct answers are found at the end of about 20 years)
I’m looking for investors to help get this much-needed magazine on the news stands. PayPal donations accepted.
If you’re a guy and you’d like to submit an article for publication, please send an outline along with a photo and your measurements. Scruffy beard optional.