Humor

I want to see more REAL men. Preferably NAKED REAL men.

Ever stood in a drug store and counted the number of magazines for women on the shelves? I have and had to use my fingers AND the fingers of the woman standing next to me.

It made me want to hurl, people. Right into my Prada Payless purse.

Where were the magazines for REAL men?

Many were fashion magazines featuring bone-thin girls younger than some of my shoes. Wearing something that I’d mop the floor with, along with expressions of what I considered haughty disdain.

But maybe they were just hungry?

Female health magazines were plentiful. But really, editors should take the time to learn how to text each other. Depending on which magazine you decide to buy, you could end up:

1. Drinking too much water.

2. Drinking not enough water.

3. Drinking the wrong kind of water.

4. Only drinking water from icecaps around Iceland.

5. Only drinking water from icecaps around Iceland flavored with bull testicles. (TRUE STORY.)

By the time you finish taste testing, you could have drowned.

RyanGosling_chunkyneedles
Not your average Joe. But he’ll do.

Where are the magazines for REAL men?

There were magazines with sexy women on the cover.

Usually wearing a loosely-knotted tie and a pout.

There were magazines showcasing really pretty guys who looked like girls.

Again, pouting.

All included interviews with celebrities who never have to do their own laundry now they’re famous, suggestions on how to care for $2,000 Italian-made shoes, and articles about how to store port properly. But I couldn’t find one magazine for the regular man. The average Joe.

The guy most of us live with.

So I’m thinking of going into production on a 12-issue run of “Manly Man: the magazine your wife would like you to read

Here are some preliminary article ideas:

Boxers or Briefs: it doesn’t matter as long as they’re clean

Save Your Relationship–If She Makes It, You Wear It

12 Other Ways To Cook Steak (hint: you don’t always need a BBQ)

What To Do When Your Chest Hair Smothers Your Girlfriend While She Sleeps

keep-calm-and-love-scruffy-manly-men
Scruffy Beard? How to rub your woman the right way.

Socks Are Like Couples, They Long To Be Together

Oral Sex: how to give it, how to get it

How To Open The Fridge And Find What You’re Looking For In Two Moves Or Less

Never Underestimate The Power Of A Good Blue Suit–It’s Like CatNip For Women

Seven Ways To Hang Wet Towels In Seven Seconds

What Not To Eat: things found in a man’s beard

Smell Like A Man (not your Grandmother)

You and Your Toenails: a pointed discussion

Why Your Wife Is Right About Those Pleated Khakis

Can You Ever Have Too Much Nose Hair?

Get A Six-Pack Without Drinking One

Find Jeans That Fit You, Not The You You Used To Be

Real Men Cry (and not just when their favorite sports team trades their MVP)

Are You Doing Everything You Can To Make Your Partner Happy? A Pop Quiz (the correct answers are found at the end of about 20 years)

I’m looking for investors to help get this much-needed magazine on the news stands. PayPal donations accepted.

If you’re a guy and you’d like to submit an article for publication, please send an outline along with a photo and your measurements. Scruffy beard optional.

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25 thoughts on “I want to see more REAL men. Preferably NAKED REAL men.”

    1. It should be made into a law.

      Not sure about putting this list IN the refrigerator. That would defeat the purpose of the article. Maybe in a basket next to the toilet? Plenty of time to read without being disturbed. *grin*

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  1. Great post! I really like the concept. Maybe someone can write a how-to book for a real man (that can explain in a way he’s capable of understanding it) why a man who’s doing dishes is sexier than his naked body. 🙂

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    1. I agree. A dishwashing man IS sexy. What with the hot water, the bubbles, and being turned from side to side and rubbed lovingly with a warm cloth, stroking off the dirt, and coming away squeaky clean.

      Let me go fill up the sink immediately! *a grin and a wink*

      Liked by 1 person

      1. For the record, I do the dishes regularly. I feel that having my wife do them will detract from her appreciation of the gourmet meal which I just cooked for her (last night’s shrimp and grits with steamed sugar snap peas was sublime). Besides, doing the dishes gets my hands nice and warm, which improves the quality of the foot massage she receives once the dishes are done. I try not to distract her from the romance novel she’s reading while I knead her tootsies. In an ironic twist, the heroes in those romance novels are almost never sensitive, caring fellas like me, they’re usually bare-chested pirates or brutish stable boys. I’m not sure I qualify to write any articles for your magazine, which is just as well, because I’m too busy being perfect.

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        1. *Dave’s wife wakes up and realizes she was dreaming that this comment was true*

          You could so write something. Perhaps a article on hair grooming? *wink*

          Which reminds me…how about a guest post on Upside of Sideways? I need a dose of your pointed perspective.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Guest post?! I’m already struggling to come up with something for Nudge Wink this coming Saturday!…and for the record, the shrimp and grits was to die for. Washed it down with a Chenin Blanc.
            Tonight will be a polenta pizza with olives, tomatoes shrimp and feta cheese.

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              1. If I recall correctly, you and hubby were given an open invitation to swing by on your way through my state, at which time I would have gladly fed you both. Since my state is New Jersey, you chose to avoid anything which might keep you in it for one second longer than absolutely necessary. I’m almost over the hurt…almost. Dinner is at 6.

                Like

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