I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Maybe it was just one time, possibly twice, but I can’t unring that bell and will accept the compliment in the spirit it was given. As long as it wasn’t some veiled reference to large ears.
So, I’m taking that talent and mixing in a little helping of sly digs and satire to bring you a new recurring feature. It’s called “Under the Mic — Secretly-taped Celebrity Interviews.” Most celebrity interviews are pre-approved, publicist-friendly conversations, which are totally boring and available on iTunes for 99 cents.
This is not that.
With Under the Mic, the microphone is strategically hidden upon my person and is NSA approved.
Welcome to blog radio, in words.
Side B Interview, Tape #1
Subject — Doctor John Watson (as played by Martin Freeman)
Current Television Role — Sidekick to Sherlock Holmes
Why he agreed to this interview — his publicist said yes before he could say no
BD: If you’re done with that jelly donut, could we get started?
MF: Mmmph. Sorry…hang on just a mo. [furious swallowing noises] Good. Great. Yeah. Huh?
BD: Ahem. You do know this is a blog and not television?
BD: Still, not television. Anyway. It’s delightful to have you here today, Doctor Watson. Or should I say John. May I call you John?
MF: That wasn’t on the list of questions. But…yeah. Alright. But please, could you pronounce it Jon. J-O-N. Not John.
BD: [cough that sounds suspiciously like a snort of laughter] Mmm…Jon it is. But it’s really Martin. Isn’t it? Martin Freeman? You’re an actor slash minor celebrity.
MF: Well, yeah. But I’ve had my name legally changed to Doctor Watson. The traffic in London’s absolutely barking and with the M.D. tag, I can park where I like. It’s been brilliant. Helps with the birds, too.
BD: Birds? What…pigeons don’t poop on your car?
MF: [rye chuckle) You’re not English. Birds. Lolly. The LADIES. Go mad for a doctor. Let. Me. Tell. You.
BD: I’ll bet they do. Go mad. [quirks eyebrow] Let’s get back to the interview. Sherlock has been a massive hit, both here and in the UK. How did you land the role?
MF: Strip poker. Don’t raise your eyebrows. Me and Ben met over a game of high-stakes poker. It started out friendly but we exchanged words, tempers flared, and I said if I won, I got to be Watson to his Sherlock. Bastard took the bet and now I’m a walking cliché.
BD: But the free parking and the…lollipops. Wait. Sorry. The lolly. You just said that was brilliant.
MF: Okay, yes. But it means I’ll be Doctor Watson for the rest of my life! No more hobbits. No more sexy stand-in porn star. I have so much potential and now things have gone totally tits up. I’ll be on-call 2-4-7 for the rest of my flippin’ life. No more parties with hot models…what if there’s an accident, or a woman goes into labor? It’ll be all, “Someone, call a doctor! Jon, bring your bag!”
BD: I don’t get it. You’re not really a doctor.
MF: Yes, but they don’t know that, do they!? Have you seen the ratings for Sherlock? Through the flipping roof and Ben’s not helping. Doing the promo circuit draped in lovely ladies. Do you know it takes him over an hour to get his curls in? That hat he wears is made of REAL DEER SKIN! And what does PETA do? Fawn all over him, that’s what. Him with his doe eyes and China doll complexion. And I know he shafted me on that part in Star Trek. It was going to be mine. But Ben told J.J. Abram I really was a doctor and they’ve already got Bones so I was out. ON. MY. BACKSIDE. I have half a mind to…
BD: Let’s delve into that a little deeper. It sounds like you have some rather strong feelings about…what’s his name? Yes, here. Benedict Cumberbatch. That’s quite a name. [mic picks up a muffled titter]
MF: Cumber-bitch more like. Stalks around in that hat, dressed in black with Mrs. Hudson waiting on him hand and foot. I hate him. I HATE HIM! [suddenly, Jon bursts into tears]
BD: Here, take a tissue. I don’t think you’re being totally honest with me, Jon. It’s not really hate you’re feeling. It’s envy. Am I right?
MF: [deep sigh] It’s his shoes.
BD: Excuse me?
MF: His are hand-crafted by Italian NOBLEMEN. Takes them seventeen weeks to make just one pair. I admit he does have lovely feet but you hardly ever see feet on the show. Something’s afoot. I think it’s in his contract, “all face, all the time” and here I am wearing a pair of…never mind.
BD: No, Jon. Don’t stop now. I think we’re getting somewhere. Share with us. We won’t judge.
MF: Doc Martens. OKAY? Are you happy now? I WEAR DOC MARTENS and I’d be really grateful if you didn’t take the piss. I think I’d like to leave now.
[door slams; faint weeping sounds heard in the distance]
Any celebrities you’d like to see interviewed on Under The Mic? Submit them in the comments!