Humor, Life

2015: The Year I Embrace THE LIST

Hey, if it ain't broke...
Hey, if it ain’t broke…

It’s that time again. The annual new year’s listing of resolutions.

I’ve never warmed to this yearly ritual.

Taking the time to make a list of things I want to change about myself when I absolutely know I’ll lose the damn list right about the time I get to “lose 10 pounds, again.” seems like a waste of a perfectly good piece of paper.

I’m all about saving the trees, y’all.

But I often tell other people it’s a good idea to make a list of resolutions. I often tell people a lot of things. They rarely listen.

Maybe they should resolve to listen to me more.

If you follow the “do unto others as you’d have them do unto you while lighting incense and fumbling with prayer beads” I thought it was well past time I gave it a try.

This is what came out:

1. Take Chances — people say it’s a good idea to experience life outside your comfort zone. Since I can only afford to experience life inside my comfort zone, I pledge that in 2015 I will buy lotto tickets every week. That way, I can afford to get out there and attempt something I’ve never done before.

And afford to pay the hospital bills when something goes terribly wrong.

2. Eat Healthier — in 2015, I’m going to add more fruit and nuts to my diets. The riboflavins and fibers are good for your body. And as they’ll be covered in dark chocolate, my doctor should approve of this change in my diet.

Because chocolate is the new Viagra.

3. Exercise More — I live up north, where it’s cold for about six months of the year and I rarely venture outside unless paid to do so. I resolve that when that winning lotto ticket lands in my hands, I’ll build a house close to the equator that comes with an Olympic-sized swimming pool and do laps in it.

Every. Single. Day.

4. Stop Silently Judging People — I’ve decided it’s not healthy to sit in front of my computer rolling my eyes at another selfie taken by some arguably semi-famous person in what I always thought was the privacy of their own bathroom. It’s time to get verbal with this shit. However, I’ll have to set up a string of silent flashing lights that go off when I’m about to go off.

5. Be Nicer — I’m a pretty nice person. Ask anyone. But there’s always room for improvement. For example, I could try smiling at my local liquor store clerk instead of tapping my foot and oh so obviously staring at my watch as he fills up the shopping cart with my weekly order of Stoli. You just never know.

He might slip in an extra bottle. Or two.

6. Say I Love You More — I’ll be the first to admit I could say I love you more. Like with the garbage guys. I bet no one tells them they love them just for collecting trash. It’s a smelly job and yet here they are, every week, picking up your garbage and carting it away. So you don’t have to. And they’ll have  a story to tell their family when they get home about the crazy women they met on their route that day.

Hell, maybe I’ll throw in a hug.

9. Learn To Count — or at least remember to jot down every brilliant thought as soon as I have them. Because I swear I had seven resolutions and here I am at nine and I don’t know where the other four went to but they are so obviously not anywhere where I am.

Wherever you are and whomever you’re with, I hope you and yours have a fabulous 2014.

2016.

2015!

See? It’s barely into the first day of the new year and already I’m rockin’ this list.

To everyone I’ve ever met and have yet to meet, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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11 thoughts on “2015: The Year I Embrace THE LIST”

  1. Loved this!
    My experience with resolutions:
    1. Take chances: You didn’t mention going to your mister’s new years party. Did you have fun? As for lotto, all those losing tickets would buy a lot of lettuce (like endive, leaf, etc.)
    2. Eat Healthier (see numbers 1 and 3)
    3. Exercise more: I complained about not being able to lose weight so much that the universe gave me gastroparesis. I guarantee you don’t want it and eating healthy is NOT an option. In fact, my dentist hates the gastroparesis diet which is basically sugar, processed foods., and phillips capsules. BTW: My dentist has gastroparesis, too.
    4. Stop silently judging people. We’re hard wired to judge without any logic to back it up. That’s what saved our ancestors from being eaten when humanoids weren’t at the top of the food chain. When you stop judging people, you get eaten by the lions and lionesses looking for prey in the concrete jungle.
    5. Be nicer: There comes a time in life when it’s too short to worry about that. I’ve been known to say, “This is the 20 items or less line. You have 50 items. Learn to count!” What I wanted to say was, “Learn to count calories and stop stuffing those twinkies into your mouth.” Unfortunately, 70% of the population is overweight and there is a real danger of being trampled to death if they’re enraged. 🙂
    6. Say I love you more: I tell my dogs and cats that all the time. They’re the only ones who listen to me, so why bother telling the ones that won’t?
    9. Learn to count (I didn’t understand this particular “resolution” until I copied your list. Good one!)

    You can understand why my new years resolution every year is not to make any new years resolutions. It always ends badly. 🙂

    Like

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