In a blog rut? Publisher reveals epic tips!

Guide to Better Blogging: An Overview

Welcome to your first blogging experience! Join the millions of others who have found a worthwhile outlet for their creativity and genius. To turn the page, put your right index finger on the top right-hand corner and gently pull it towards you. It should turn to the next page automatically. DO NOT WET YOUR FINGER TO DO THIS OPERATION!

Before we begin, take a few moments to think about why you want to blog. DO NOT WRITE DOWN FUN. Blogging is not supposed to be fun. And, frankly, we’re a little tired that we have to keep reminding people that blogging is AN AUTHENTIC OUTLET FOR CREATIVITY, INSPIRATION, FOOD RECIPES, CRAFTS AND GOOEY SENTIMENT. Humor can work as long as it’s not satirical, ironic, or sarcastic. You need to keep things simple. Do not fail at this first task. If you disregard this critical rule, you’ll never succeed as a blogger. AdSense and the other pay-per-click advertisers aren’t interested in FUN blogs. They want you to write about things other bloggers will want to PURCHASE.

A list of SAFE subjects:

FAMILY — ideally, family blogs should consist of one blogger, a spouse (of either sex but that’s all we really need to know) and one child. More would be good. Extended family may be included, especially if they have medical issues or, BEST CASE scenario, mental health problems and are suffering some kind of sexual disfunction. Pharmaceutical companies are particularly interested in bloggers who are on automatic prescription refills.

KIDS — keeping readers informed about every aspect of your child’s life is the EPITOME of successful blogging. Parents today know that raising a kid is all about keeping them busy and productive. Advertisers LOVE this type of blog. The opportunities to sell you shit you can’t really afford and your kids will tire of faster than you can say, “don’t give me that look…I paid good money for that iPad, iPod, and iPhone…no, you can’t go out and play in the mud…I want you locked in your room, plugged in and online” can’t be quantified. Insiders refer to this as SUCKER SYNERGY.

RECIPES — who doesn’t love to read about food? With national obesity rates at an all-time high, it’s your JOB to make sure you’re feeding your family the best brand name products available. Companies like Hostess and Paula Deen Inc. rely on you to introduce sugar early and include it often in your family’s diet. They want to WEIGHT THE SCALE in your favor and help keep America at the TOP of the food pyramid. And, if you blog about “365 Days — 365 Ways with Lard” you get to feature ads on your site from Weight Watchers AND the Cholesterol Center for Heart Health. This is what we in the business call a MUFFIN-TOP moment.

Adaptable to almost every theme. Except dairy-free blogs. (product placement via leggomyeggo.com)

CREATIVITY — this is the right blog category for you if you’ve ever been told you have talent. It could have been when you were two and learned to go potty first time out of training pants. THE WHEN IS NOT IMPORTANT. It’s the “how” that will have your readers fighting to overcome feelings of inadequacy. They will look at your primitive clay-lump sculptures and furniture made out of empty toilet paper rolls (for display ONLY) and think — Shit! They did that? With their own hands? Quick…bring me that garbage can of used tissue and my staple gun. I’ve got a blogging EMPIRE to build!

You’ve read this far so we know you are SERIOUS about turning your blog into a MONEY-MAKING BONANZA! We understand it’s a lot to take in so at this point, we highly recommend you take some time to REFLECT on the tips and tricks outlined so far.

When you’re ready, turn to page 48 and we’ll continue your education with the Top Three VOICES that bring the best BANG FOR THE BUCK for bloggers.

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And we’re back after the break. We know you’re eager to get to the TOP THREE TWO VOICES (printer error — he’ll never get our business again) scientifically proven to MAXIMIZE your ROI. (Don’t let your lack of acronym knowledge slow you down. The last chapter provides a list of the most over-used and HYPED-UP acronyms commonly used across all blogging platforms. ROI is not technically an acronym but it doesn’t pay to be inflexible when it comes to the TERMINOLOGY-CHALLENGED.)

Before we reveal the TOP TWO VOICES, we have two TESTIMONIALS from high-functioning bloggers we know will inspire your desire to ACHIEVE.

“I’ve been blogging for five years. Some of the topics I feature on my blog include current affairs, party politics, and big business. I research the facts and then try to bring a humorous slant to my writing. My traffic is okay and I get a fair share of insightful comments but I expected more. This guide showed me that I need to CONNECT SYNERGISTICALLY with my readers. I now include vegan snack recipes with my posts and my stats have totally APEXED!” — politicalpeanutsbypete.com

“My art blog started as a way to showcase my talents in the areas of realism and authenticity. I’d spend weeks on a painting and then days photographing it so it expresses the true essence of myself. Some of my pieces have sold for thousands of dollars and adorn the lobbies of numerous multi-national banks. But I was hoping, after all this time, to go MAINSTREAM. Turns out, all people really want to buy are paint-by-number prints they can do themselves at home. After reading your guide, I decided to cut my original works of art into sections, number them, photocopy them and package them in an attractive box, wrapped in hemp ribbon. I tell you…I can’t keep these things in stock! I’m now running a successful BULL MARKETplace on my blog. Thanks to you, I’ll never pick up a paint brush again.” — unoriginal_originals.com

With our winning tips, you’ll soon be writing PERSUASIVE MARKETING JARGON like this. But let’s not put the cash cow before the hay.

We at How To Blog support the ethical treatment of animals. Do not KILL a dog to up your traffic. However, properly maimed, comments may increase. (image via maxipedia)

Time to bring you the TOP TWO VOICES that will ensure the VERTICAL INTEGRATION of your blog!

LOVE — in this category, you get to let your emotions overpower your common sense. It doesn’t matter if you write about reciprocal love, unrequited love, or self-love. Love IS love. It’s what makes the world go ’round and helps keep Hallmark and E-Card in business. GOOEY SENTIMENT sells. Who DOESN’T love to see images of sentimental quotes (all ORIGINAL by the way) written in red lipstick on the side of a Starbucks paper cup and photoshopped so it’s in soft focus with little teardrops around the edge and signed with a tiny glitter heart. Please pass the Kleenex. (Do you see where we’re going with this?)

CRAFTS — and now we come to the MOTHERLODE of blogging supremacy. HOME-MADE crafts. It’s a boom industry and appeals to anyone accused of hoarding and who can now run around the house screaming, “See? I told you that collection of sidewalk spit would make me rich one day. With the RIGHT PACKAGING, I could BREAK OPEN the organic glue market.” Craft suppliers will be knocking at your door offering you a lifetime supply of yarn remnants at cost and signing your readers up for the “sticker of the month” club. The sub-categories of this genre could fill a house made of dried donkey turds and YOUR spit collection. (Getting the picture now?)

Nothing says love like a wet tissue (product placement via kleenex.com)

CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve come to the end of Chapter One. Now it’s time to DRILL-DOWN and focus on your blog theme. Free themes include: Whimsical ~ Pretty in Plasticine ~ Knit This ~ Paint by Heart (combines LOVE and CREATIVITY) ~ Get Plated ~ Exhale to Inspire (comes with a daily inspirational quote you’ll want as your image) ~ It’s All Relative ~ My Kids Are Better Than Your Kids ~ Blank Page (for those who already have a blog theme in mind. But, heed this warning: if the page layout is NOT PERFECT and *shudder* has the odd typo, advertisers may BOYCOTT your blog.)

For a list of paid blog themes, check out our website. Orders processed in the next 24 hours will receive a PERSONAL blog dynamics inter-spatial CRITIQUE by our own award-winning blog-a-ticians. CRITICAL REVIEW AND POTENTIAL quantifier (CRAP) will show you how you can UP your readership by following our blogging rules. It’s MISSION-CRITICAL thinking at its finest.

Now, continue to Chapter Two to find out how you can ENHANCE your commenting experience, and learn how to INCENTIVIZE your blog so advertisers can KEY IN to their OPTIMUM target market.

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And that’s when I fired up the shredder and spent a blissful morning turning this guide into paper shavings for the bottom of my hamster’s cage. Maybe he’ll knit a sweater out of it and take it viral on YouTube.

*If you happen to be a blogger who falls into one of the above categories, please note this post is a SATIRICAL representation of blogging tips I found in this guide. DO NOT HATE EMAIL ME. Send it to my advertisers who have staff standing by to respond.